


Lucky Lucky

by demonladys



Category: BanG Dream! (Anime), BanG Dream! Girl's Band Party! (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Developing Relationship, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Kissing, gay little sayo-chan, shirasagi-san: love is pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-19
Updated: 2020-11-24
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:39:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27626909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/demonladys/pseuds/demonladys
Summary: Loving someone can be so infuriating.
Relationships: Hikawa Sayo/Shirasagi Chisato
Comments: 27
Kudos: 102





	1. Chapter 1

Nobody ever seems to look for books in the far back corner of Hanasakigawa’s library. It’s where they hide the worst selling fiction novels, a collection undoubtedly gifted from alumni who couldn’t find anywhere else to pawn them off. That makes it the ideal hiding spot for someone wishing to avoid social interaction during break periods. 

And for Chisato Shirasagi, it’s the ideal spot for engaging in illicit activities that she should most certainly _not_ be engaging in. Rows of dusty books lining aging bookshelves serve as the perfect cover for two young women breaking every rule in the manual.

It’s not her fault Sayo looks so cute with her hair sprawled out across the floor like that.

Chisato has Sayo’s legs locked between her own, straddling her, hovering above with killing intent. Sayo stares back, eyes cautious, yet enthralled in Chisato’s gaze and seemingly indifferent to the position she’s found herself in. Chisato dives down with her hands planted firmly on the floor beside Sayo’s face, her lips aiming directly for Sayo’s. They meet their mark, and she can feel Sayo’s eyes shut alongside her own in perfect sync. Contrary to that serious, no-nonsense character everyone else sees on a daily basis, Chisato knows Sayo is a hopeless romantic. She can tell by just how gentle and inviting her lips are. Chisato savors every second of it. Their taste is warm, albeit a little salty, and oh so satisfying. She’s not careless -- she counts each tick of the clock in her head, measuring out just how long to remain but stretching the moment out juuust long enough to leave Sayo wanting more.

Chisato is truly a cruel woman, acting so selfishly toward her. She wants to hold onto that tender feeling Sayo placed in her heart, but as she pulls away, she can only think of what a horrid bitch she is.

For extra measure, she tugs with one hand on the collar of Sayo’s uniform and smirks. “Not a word,” she whispers with one finger over her lip. “You don’t want your reputation ruined, do you?”

Sayo’s eyes fixate on that smirk, zoning in, lingering for a time. She’s been tempted by the devil, drowning in the deep end. There is perhaps no hope left for Sayo Hikawa. “You don’t want _your_ reputation ruined, do you?” She keeps that stern facade up just enough that anyone else might not realize she’s flirting. That’s another thing that’s cute about her. 

Chisato lifts herself up to set Sayo free and watches her depart. Another thing that’s so aggravating, so painful about these feelings. The thing that makes her hate Sayo Hikawa. Chisato told herself she couldn’t fall in love, she wouldn’t. Not after the clusterfuck that was her relationship with Kaoru. not while she’s got so many other worries in her life between acting and band and school and making sure Aya doesn’t make any stupid decisions and sign her life away in a coercive contract like she had when she was younger and still had something akin to a youthful energy. She tried with everything she could to not fall in love with another girl.

The worst part is, why did it have to be someone who understands her on such an intimate level?

At least if it were someone like Kaoru, someone ignorant of the thoughts and fears she keeps buried deep within, it wouldn’t be this bad. She could get over it eventually, just chalk it up to physical attraction or conflating appreciation. But with Sayo, it’s like she knows how to get under her skin.

“Shirasagi-san, you’re staying late today? I thought you had practice this afternoon. ...No, I won’t say anything to Hina about this.”  
“You might pretend otherwise, but I know you’re not satisfied with this result.”  
“Are you just saying that to keep me from worrying?”  
“It’s unwise to carry this much weight all alone. You would know that better than anyone, wouldn’t you, Shirasagi-san?”

How can someone so kindhearted be so defiant? Even as she kept Sayo at a suitable distance, Sayo would surprise her by prying just a little too closely into Chisato’s worries and fears. It’s no use just keeping distance at this point.

So instead, she opted for revenge.

* * *

Sayo is surprisingly good at keeping to herself. She’s loyal to a fault and that means she knows when and when not to sneak glances back at Chisato during the middle of class. ‘When not to’ is always, except for in the chaos between periods when nobody else is paying enough attention to anyone’s faces to notice the disciplinary guitarist queen of 3-A staring right at the untouchable young actress in the back of the classroom. But Chisato knows -- of course she’s paying attention. She always pays attention to women like that, the dangerous sort who care too much for their own good. How terrifying it is to hold so much sway over another girl’s heart. She’s lucky Sayo is such a good girl, so obedient towards those she cares about.

Except for when it matters the most.

 _“Don’t fall in love with me.”_ That’s what she wanted to say from the start, but things have snowballed beyond the point of no return. _“You’ll only end up getting hurt.”_

What Chisato fears most is Sayo finding the right words. Of course Sayo is in love, and it’s all Chisato’s fault. But if she found the words, Chisato might not be able to do the right thing. She might not be able to reject her.

Revenge. Three times a week, during lunch break. The back of the library, with nobody watching but the untouched covers of unwanted books. Their lips, together. Sayo’s eyes only grow more wistful with each passing session. Chisato can feel her own anxieties growing further and further as she realizes she looks forward to it now. It’s a kind of satisfaction she can’t get from anywhere and with how busy she is, every day of her life, making out with a girl while she knows nobody who would care could possibly be watching. It’s the respite of agency within a life lacking agency. Maybe it’s because of how immoral it feels, especially with a girl who prides herself so much on her morals.

This time, as Chisato’s lips part from Sayo’s, Sayo makes a sneak attack -- she takes hold of Chisato’s wrist before her hand can escape the floor. Chisato’s eyes shoot a penetrative glare through her, but she doesn’t relent. “Why?” Sayo asks.

“Sayo-chan, please be a dear and give me my arm back.”

“Not until you answer.” Always obedient, except when it matters most. Truly, that’s Sayo’s greatest weak point. Or perhaps her greatest strength, depending on who you ask. “Why are we doing this?”

Chisato doesn’t have an answer. Really, it just happened from spending too much of their little lunchtime free periods together and getting too close in spite of Chisato’s best efforts. It’s impossible to pinpoint when this became something she hated going the day without, but there’s no other truth to be found. Solace, unmoving comfort. A wind chime that rings amongst the storm. Eyes that read more than just the lips. She’s only known her like this for a short time, but she hates that woman beyond what words can describe.

So she smiles. And her lips fall back into Sayo’s, but Sayo shoves her away. “Shirasagi-san!” There’s no disgust to be found on her face. Only bewilderment and confusion.

That smile she forced a moment ago shatters at the sound. “At least say it like you mean it.”

“Chisato-san.”

Chisato removes her legs from Sayo’s and leans against one of the dirty bookshelves, still keeping proper posture as she watches Sayo rise. Sayo maneuvers herself in her seat on the floor to meet eye-to-eye with Chisato. No more beating around the bush. “Sayo-chan, have you ever acted purely out of selfish desire?”

Sayo’s eyes shut tight and she sighs, hanging her head in shame. “More times than I can count.”

Chisato scoots closer toward her and cups one hand over Sayo’s cheek. Her eyes open gently. “No, I don’t mean the things you’ve done to hurt yourself. I’m asking if you’ve ever done something that you know will hurt everyone around you, just because you want to.”

“I’m not sure. Is that what this is?"

“I know you’re in love with me. I hate that about you.”

Sayo doesn’t bother denying what she knows so obviously is true, but she does narrow her eyes into a scowl. “If it’s any consolation… For as much as I love you, I hate you all the same.” Her expression takes a sudden shift, forming a malicious smile. Another one of those things Sayo does that gets under her skin.

“Then don’t blame me when you end up getting hurt.”

“I won’t need to worry about that. After all, I’m not foolish enough to think you would accept my feelings.”

Sometimes Sayo can be a real dumbass, but she’s clever in her own way. A terrible combination, really. Chisato answers with her own malicious smile, and an unsettled feeling coursing through her blood. “Oh, but you are quite foolish, Sayo-chan. You could at least do me the honor of inviting me for dinner before you break up with me.”

Sayo doesn’t see it coming from a mile away. It slams her like a truck made of concrete and sends her flying. She covers her mouth with one hand but fails to hide the crimson forming on each side of her lips. Her fingers are clamoring as Chisato’s gaze overwhelms every last fragment of Sayo Hikawa. Chisato rises from her seat with a sigh that serves to only further egg her on. She stands to meet Chisato, who’s already threatening to leave their hidden corner of safety. She shouts, “Wait! Shira- erm, Chisato-san.”

Chisato turns back to her and raises her eyebrows.

“A-after practice tomorrow… I believe Hina has plans, and our parents work late.”

Oh dear, Sayo is just too adorable when she’s melted into a blubbering mess. Chisato’s playful laugh is enough to send her reeling from the weakness in her resolve.

“Very well then. It’s a date. I’ll free up my schedule just for you, Sayo-chan.”

As Chisato strolls away, she whispers to herself. “Perhaps she’s just as bad as me. Or perhaps… Perhaps she isn’t yet, but she’s certainly heading there.” Nobody else can hear, not even Sayo, and she’s lucky that’s true. She bites at the edge of her own lip just to be safe and wonders if Sayo realizes just how in over her head she is. 

Either way, she’s sure she’ll have fun toying so lovingly with Sayo Hikawa’s lack of composure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> check out the really cool art readers drew based on this chapter!!
> 
> by @weebtofu https://twitter.com/weebtofu/status/1329516979435184128  
> by @ImCosq https://twitter.com/ImCosq/status/1330583997169201154


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chisato takes Sayo up on her offer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: minor injury/blood, tense makeout scene

Sayo finds herself in tense concentration as her hands move across the cutting board, setting sliced pieces of green pepper aside for later use. She’s not too good with the knife yet, she’s still a bit anxious when she slices veggies with her fingers so close to the blade but it’s not as tough to get through as it was when she first started out. Tsugumi taught her almost everything she knows about cooking, and the internet taught her the rest. Sadly neither of those can cure the unease that comes with adapting to the tools.

Based on what Hina told her when she asked about her bandmates’ favorite foods, Chisato isn’t exactly a curry fanatic. Her favorites tend to be sweeter dishes like açaí. That being said, it’s hard to go wrong with curry and if she went for Chisato’s favorite that could easily read as trying too hard to impress her. If she knows Chisato Shirasagi, then she isn’t looking to be impressed. Plus, well… she’s trying not to seem desperate. She doesn’t even dare imagine this actually leading to any sort of romantic relationship because there’s no point setting hopes so unrealistically high. 

So that’s the plan -- just give Chisato an above average dinner date and then try your best to move on when things end here. You can do that much, right Sayo?

Next is the potatoes. She carefully digs the knife into the first potato’s skin and begins twisting it along the edge. The skin peels off like paper being torn away, scrapped aside. There’s a fresh, earthy scent to it, the potato so seamlessly unraveled by the blade. Sayo keeps her thumb against the potato, rotating it carefully in her hand, just close enough to guide the vegetable without putting her own thumb in harm’s way. Careful. Careful….

“Hey sis! I’m heading out soon!” Hina calls out from behind. Sayo tries not to pay her any mind, fixating on the peeling of skin, the blade gliding against the potato and the positioning of her hands that keep the process moving. Careful, careful….

“Okay. Stay safe,” she answers aloud. Normally she’d lecture Hina about not staying out too late and not causing anyone trouble, but she’s at the point where she’s got no room to talk about morals and she’s kind of trying to focus here. Can Hina just go already?

“Hmm…” No, she can’t. Apparently the Guilty Gear tournament or whatever can wait and pestering her older sister is Hina’s top priority. Sayo can practically hear her peering into the kitchen area with her index finger and thumb on her chin in the shape of a sideways L, with a mischievous smile glued on.

She tries her best to ignore and by now she’s almost done with the first potato. Just a little more… Careful, careful, careful…

“Ooooh!” Hina is getting dangerously close, standing on her tip-toes and practically breathing down Sayo’s neck, peering over her shoulder to get a glance at what she’s making. “Heheh… Lucky sis~. Have fun on your date with Chisato-chan!”

_ Ah. _

There’s blood dripping onto the cutting board. Sayo jumps without even realizing and the potato rolls halfway across the countertop. Suddenly all her anxieties are pouring out from one central point: a thin slice on her left thumb. She hardly registers the pain until the shock of what happened starts to kick in. At which point, adrenaline overtakes her and sends her into a panic.

* * *

Hina may be a pain in the ass sometimes, but she’s not a bad person. It was thanks to her that Sayo snapped out of shock and got a bandaid in time to stop the mess, plus she helped wash the cutting board and keep the other vegetables separated so Sayo wouldn’t have to waste food. Jeez. The more Hina cares for her in moments like these, the worse that lingering resentment that she failed to purge away feels. There’s an uneasy sensation creeping through her stomach but she has to hold back any tears. Shit, this hurts. Ah well… at least Hina’s out of her hair for now and gave Sayo her blessing on the way out the door. She’s still shocked by how easily her twin managed to guess who her feelings were directed toward between how little she brought up the strange… situation she had going with Chisato.

Everything’s just about ready to simmer, with spices and sauces all joining together with the meat, and rice heating up in the cooker, but there’s a mess of pans and knives and spoons waiting to be dealt with scattered about the countertops.

That’s when the doorbell rings.

Sayo turns the stovetop heat off and rushes to the door. She doesn’t even think before it flies open revealing a beautiful young woman on the other side. Chisato Shirasagi is dressed in a soft, cream-colored sweatshirt with a button-up dress shirt underneath. A simple combination, yet so… captivating. It’s a pleasant mix of formal and casual-slash-comfortable that Sayo would normally respect a regular amount. But it’s difficult to respect anyone a normal amount when you love and hate them as much as Sayo loves and hates Chisato Shirasagi. She’s gorgeous. Sayo can’t help but feel her combination of a plain teal dress shirt and black dress pants is lacking by comparison. Well, the apron isn’t supposed to be part of it.

“Hello, Sayo-chan.”

“Shi-- Chisato-san…” Sayo gives a slight bow of welcome, but it’s difficult to hide how shaken she is by Chisato’s appearance. And then she notices what’s in her arms. A large glass bottle wrapped in a thin paper sack. A deep purple liquid sloshes back and forth around the upper part of the bottle, visible through a tear in the bag. That’s wine. That’s… definitely wine, right? She can’t see the label but based on the shape and foil around the cap that’s definitely alcoholic meaning Chisato brought wine or whisky or some sort of alcoholic beverage that an eighteen year-old on the disciplinary committee would not be able to recognize or name. It shows on her face unintentionally -- she can’t help but worry she’s just become an accomplice in something illegal.

“You truly are well-mannered to a fault.” Chisato doesn’t wait for an invitation inside before entering through the threshold and removing her shoes. “I brought a gift,” she says, placing the sack on the Hikawa family dining table.

“Is that…?” She can’t hide the incrimination in her expression. So scandalized, it’s far worse than just making out in secret at school. Bathum bathump bathump. She’s sure hearts aren’t supposed to beat like this.

Chisato wears her signature playful smirk over her lips. She lifts the bottle from its sack and reveals the label. “Sparkling grape juice. You can relax. But your reaction was priceless.”

Sayo sighs, but she doesn’t feel any tension leave her body. She’s even more nervous than she was before Chisato arrived. “I must apologize. Dinner isn’t quite ready yet. I hope you don’t mind waiting.”

Chisato has already found her way into the kitchen when Sayo finishes the sentence. Which means she’s already scanning the mess across the counters. “Oh dear. Well, I can help you then.”

Sayo is taken aback for a moment before protesting, “No, I wouldn’t want to trouble a guest with my own responsibilities. Just allow me to--”

“Ahem!” Chisato clears her throat. “Sayo-chan, do you believe I’m helpless?”

Dammit. Chisato is a tough one, and absolutely right. Sayo is well-mannered to a fault, just like she said. “No.”

“Then allow me to do this.”

An awkward half-smile forms across Sayo’s lips alongside scarlet across her cheeks. “I appreciate the assistance.” 

Sayo flicks the stove’s heat back to where it should be. It’s really just a matter of washing everything thoroughly and finding the right spot in the cabinets and cupboards. Sayo feels her hands soaking beneath the sink faucet, rubbing the sponge over each pan and bowl she’d utilized within the last hour. Soap bubbles form on the edges of her fingers, which start to feel brittle after long. She tries and fails to keep her left thumb out of the water and at some point she thinks she sees the bandaid fall from her skin and wash down into the garbage disposal. After each wash, she hands the dish to Chisato. Chisato gives them a quick drying and asks where to store it away. “This bowl?”

“Cabinet above the microwave,” Sayo says.

“I never imagined you as a cook.”

“I’m lucky. Hazawa-san has been teaching me ever since we became friends. Before that, Hina and I usually relied on instant noodles and microwaveable meals to keep us full.”

Chisato tucks the bowl back into where it came from, nice and orderly, before grabbing the cutting board to dry next. “Hina-chan tells me you two are getting along better these days.”

It stings a little for her to bring it up, but for once she’s sure Chisato doesn’t mean any harm by it. “I’m glad she feels that way. Sometimes I’m not sure if I’m doing things right. I never learned how to be an older sister for her.” The foam on her fingers starts to feel like blisters. Now that she thinks about it, rubber gloves might be a good investment.

“I wonder if it’s even possible to learn.” Chisato’s tone shifts into one of lament, the slightest regret slipping through. “I’ve rarely had the time or energy to be an older sister. We get along just fine, but sometimes wonder if mine resents me for that.”

“Being the older one isn’t easy.” Sayo’s eyes weaken, the weight of the sponge and plate grow heavier in her hands. She mumbles aloud, “Our parents never paid us much mind.”

She can feel Chisato’s gaze lingering on her for a moment in response, but Chisato is wise enough not to push further than that. Sayo really hates the way she looks at her, like she can read her heart. Read the things in her heart that she doesn’t want anyone to read. The feelings that feel gross to feel.

She knows Chisato hates the way it resonates back.

The stove’s timer rings out.

* * *

Chisato Shirasagi’s assessment of Sayo’s curry and rice dinner: “When you invited me over, I half-expected to be served a plate of french fries with cookies on the side. But I’m thoroughly impressed. Your cooking was quite pleasing.”

Brutal, yet kind. A very Chisato response, Sayo understood that much by now. But her strategy of not going all out has backfired spectacularly and Sayo finds herself even more wistful than before. Chisato chose to stay afterwards -- what kind of date would it be if she didn’t? So now they’re sitting side-by-side on the couch, inches away from each other. Chisato is positioned directly to Sayo’s left but she can’t bring herself to look her guest in the eye.

Sayo lifts the remote and points it toward the TV set across the living room. “Shall we watch something?”

Before she can press the power button, a hand grabs hold of her wrist. Chisato’s grip is tight enough to send a message, maybe a little too tight. “I have a guest appearance on a popular sitcom airing right now. It’s absolutely unbearable. The last thing I want is for you to see that.”

Sayo turns to her and answers with a rebellious smile. “Oh, I have no interest. I couldn't care less about the woman on television who shares your name and face.”

“Good girl. I like that.”

There’s a fire in Chisato’s eyes. It lights a flame in Sayo’s heart and invigorates her; her heartbeat is throbbing in ways that it shouldn’t. She allows the remote to fall to the floor like a pebble and knows exactly what’s about to happen. She’s forced down, back against the couch seat with Chisato Shirasagi’s weight pressing down against her. Her legs are locked between Chisato’s, which are so silk and smooth against the sides of her pants. And soon enough, her lips, too. Everything is locked beneath Chisato’s grasp, and Sayo grows more and more enthralled each time their eyes meet, those few seconds they’re open between every kiss.

It’s just like at school at first, though minus the thrill of “what if we got caught” but Sayo doesn’t miss it much. She’d rather have Chisato all to herself. She’s so selfish, to want this much attention. To crave it. to need it. Even so, she knows how to make these moments last forever. Her hands currently float mindlessly at her sides, but she soon lifts them into the air and slides them over Chisato’s waist, gently pulling her body closer.

More of Chisato’s weight falls upon her and two hands take hold of Sayo’s own. Chisato removes them from her waist and thrusts them against the couch right beside Sayo’s head. She’s so forceful, Sayo can’t move like this. Not that Sayo has any reason to move. Each kiss becomes more aggressive, a tiny nip against Sayo’s lips each time they part.

Chisato retaliates even further. Her tongue is so aggressive as it worms its way through Sayo’s lips, massaging Sayo’s tongue on its way in and tempting her to fall even further in love. Their fingers intertwine and time slows to a halt. Sayo hates the way the world seems to vanish when it’s just her and Chisato, because once they’re apart she has to remember there’s more to it than that. It fills her with such unreasonable rage that she presses her teeth down on Chisato’s lips before they move away this time. Chisato allows it to happen, though it’s clear by the subdued twitch that she wasn’t expecting it.

“So I was right,” Chisato whispers.

“About?”

“At first I thought you were pure hearted. But you’re as bad as me.” There’s the faintest sliver of a teardrop at the corner of Chisato’s eye. “Sayo-chan. I’m so happy, I could die.”

Chisato lowers herself and maneuvers to Sayo’s side. She’s teetering off the sofa’s edge, which she soon notices. Instead of letting herself fall, she pulls Sayo’s hands and brings Sayo upward, crawling into the space at her side. They’ve practically traded places from where they started now, but Sayo knows Chisato is far from finished. That thought is quickly answered by Chisato’s fingers gently strumming through her hair. It’s tender at first, Chisato’s smooth fingers unfurling strands of hair between them. Until the grip takes hold again, and she feels Chisato pulling her hair with such ferocity.

“You’re absolutely sure about this?”

Sayo nods.

Chisato jerks Sayo’s head by the hair and causes it to tilt to the side, exposing her neck. Teeth. Biting. Against. Her. Skin. Chisato’s teeth. Grabbing hold. No relenting.

It hurts. It genuinely hurts, but it feels so good. It hurts so much in the best kind of way. A tangible kind of hurt. Such a loving kind of hurt, like the joyous sensation afterwards. The hurt that remains when Chisato pulls her teeth away and Sayo can feel the red mark left behind. It’s incriminating, and so exhilarating. Sayo is so happy she could die.

She waits in anticipation for another bite, but soon the strain on her hair loosens and Chisato’s hand falls on her left shoulder. She opens her eyes, and soon Chisato’s head is resting against the other shoulder, right near where she’d left that mark just a moment ago. Her eyes aren’t fully closed, but from just the slightest glance at her face Sayo can see the exhaustion.

“Sorry, Sayo-chan.”

The exhaustion is contagious though -- in mere moments, Sayo feels the weight overwhelming her and careens toward the couch’s arm, Chisato toppling over her. Her arms reach over and grab hold of her. Her heart’s unsteady rhythm refuses to settle while she’s lying on her side, Chisato on top.

“It’s fine. I suppose we’ve both had more than we could handle.”

Chisato places her lips on Sayo’s skin once more, this time leaving a gentle kiss on her cheek. As far as Sayo can tell, this is the first time Chisato has ever given her a genuine act of tenderness.

“I hate the way my heart beats when you’re near,” Sayo says.

“I hate the way your words worm their way into my mind,” Chisato says. “I hate the way you get under my skin like nobody else does.”

“I hate how it feels like you know me better than I know myself sometimes.”

“I hate how I want you this much.”

Silence. Nothing but silence. No background noise or buzzing TV, no ticking clock, nothing but the beating of each other’s hearts to distract from ruminating on everything. Everything they just said, everything they’ve ever said to each other. Everything that is them, everything that is not. They’re so close together, physically. But the distance between them couldn’t be any greater.

It hurts so much in the worst kind of way.

“I…” Sayo can’t spit the words out.

“Please don’t say it. If you say it, I know I won’t be able to reject you.” Chisato’s weight shifts around atop Sayo, but she doesn’t dare disconnect from their embrace.

“I’m not anyone special.”

“I’m not either. No matter how many people recognize my face from television, they don’t understand that I’m truly nothing more than another girl who’s been hurt by this cruel world.”

Sayo’s heart aches. She wants to say something that can ease this pain for either of them. “I mean, I’m not even--”

“Hush. I know what you are, and that doesn’t change how I feel.”

“...Thanks.” Somehow, it only makes things hurt worse. “I don’t hate everything about my life or even everything about myself. But it’s difficult to remember what I like most of the time.”

“If there’s one thing I don’t hate, it’s being able to tell you what I do hate.”

“Oh? In that case, we can start a list.” Sayo reaches to the floor and right next to where the remote landed earlier, she finds a thick blanket resting at the couch’s feet. She pulls it over Chisato and herself, and it feels they’re at least a little more connected now. The tension in her body loosens up as does Chisato’s, and the weight atop her starts to feel a little lighter.

“I don’t hate my sister. I never hated her in the way you hated Hina. But I do envy her. I envy that she didn’t have her life ruined by child stardom. Not that her life hasn’t been ruined by our parents some other way, but even so.”

The more Sayo learns about Chisato, the more her feelings become intertwined with this woman. Like tree branches getting tangled together in the wind. It’s impossible to get them away from each other without cutting them apart, and that’s the absolute last thing she wants right now. Sayo nudges herself against the couch’s cushions until she’s lying on her back. Chisato’s arms fit around her like they belong there, like it’s where they want to be.

“I don’t want to hate Hina,” Sayo says. “I’m trying so hard not to. But it’s hard to erase all the resentment that built over the years. It takes time… so much more time than I thought it would.”

“It must hurt a lot. The way she idolizes you.” Chisato’s words carry a certain uneasy cadence to them, a kind that means those words aren’t just for Sayo.

“Mhm…” She doesn’t have to say the name to get the hint -- that scar in the name of Kaoru Seta was something Chisato made little effort to hide. Sayo’s eyes feel heavy.

“When people treat me like more than what I am. Like I’m something to be put on a pedestal and respected like royalty. That might be the thing I hate the most. Sayo-chan,” Chisato clutches Sayo’s chest, her eyes peek up and meet with her’s. “Promise you’ll never do that.”

“I won’t promise anything.”

“Good.”

“But I won’t treat you like you’re special.” Sayo holds a lot of envy in her heart, toward Hina and the rest of the world. As much as she tries not to envy, it’s impossible to eradicate those feelings that disgust her to feel. But if there’s anyone she does not envy, it’s Chisato Shirasagi. “To me, you’re a pretty girl from class whom I fell in love with. And a bassist.”

“And you’re too cute for your own good,” Chisato says with a weary grin as she taps one finger against Sayo’s lips. There’s another flash of scarlet across Sayo’s cheeks, but it quickly fades along with the ability to keep her eyes open. She’s too relaxed, too comfortable with Chisato in her arms. She hates being so vulnerable, but maybe it’s fine. For now. After all, there’s a comfort in knowing she’s not the only one who feels these things.

Those are her last thoughts before she drifts off.

* * *

It’s difficult to say how long Sayo and Chisato were asleep on the sofa together. Everything is a little bit foggy while Sayo is still waking up, but the weight atop her has vanished. She rubs enough of the sleep out of her eyes to see the ceiling above her. It’s a sheet of white that drones in her vision until it starts to seem like an illusion. Then she rubs some more out to give her the strength to rise from her rest.

“Mornin’ sis!” Hina is the one to greet her, still wearing the same jacket she had on when she left and a proud grin. It only takes Sayo seconds to deduce she won whatever she was doing while she was gone. Were she a little more awake she’d at least give a congratulations even if she doesn’t really get what Hina was up to.

She rubs her eyes again. There’s a wool pillow beneath where her head was resting that wasn’t there before. At first she wonders if Hina put it there, but Hina doesn’t handle anything gently enough to sneak it without waking her. Which could only mean...

“Where is Shirasagi-san?”

As if sensing the sound of her name, Chisato emerges from the hallway carrying her typical elegance and her purse over her shoulder. “Ah good, you’re awake.” Sayo wants to compliment how beautiful she is and she still feels the mark left behind on her neck. She can’t muster a response quick enough, though, and rubs her eyes once more.

Sayo shoots Hina a quick glance and tries to motion for her to give them some space. Hina either fails to catch on or ignores it altogether because that’s the sort of person Hina Hikawa is. Meanwhile Chisato has a polite face on, but there’s the slightest flicker of sorrow hidden deep in her eyes.

“Thank you again for the invitation. I enjoyed my time here, but I’m afraid I must be off. I’ll see you at school then, Sayo-chan.”

Ah… Of course, this couldn’t last. No matter how close they got, they would inevitably be pulled apart by the fissure of their lives that separate them. No matter how wonderful it is to love and hate each other like they have, it won’t last. It’s something neither of them wants to admit, but…

“Yes. See you.” Her heartbeat is unsteady. She’s not ready to part ways. Chisato gives her one last look -- just one moment, but she feels so exposed in the light. Before she can truly understand what Chisato is thinking or feeling right now, her guest has already made her way to the entryway and out the door.

“Boooring,” Hina groans as the door closes behind Chisato. “You’re really going to let her go like that?”

“It’s not that simple.” Under her breath, Sayo mutters, “You wouldn’t understand…” She wishes she could have that kind of unflinching energy to get whatever she wants sometimes. Hina is lucky. Oh well. Sayo will get over it in due time.

Hina’s grin is so devious, so benevolent and so overeager. It’s a pain in the ass and Sayo can’t escape from it. “I don’t need to understand! I just know this isn’t what you want. So don’t just let it happen!” Hina isn’t naive. As difficult as it is to understand both what she’s saying half the time and what she’s thinking, Sayo understands that Hina isn’t naive. Impulsive, irrational, and incomprehensible. But not naive. So as much as she hates to admit it, those words resonate with her like an echo in the dark.

The speed of her heartbeat rises rapidly as it’s the only thing propelling her upwards. A jolt through her spine and she even finds it in herself to grin in return. She’ll need to give Hina a proper thanks later. She’s barely fully awake by the time she’s flying out the door with her shoes on halfway -- the left being trounced at the bottom of her heel. It’s dark and Sayo isn’t even sure what time it is but thankfully Chisato has only reached the sidewalk by the time she sprints to her side. 

“Chisato-san!” she calls out as her heels grow numb. It's chilly out tonight, so chilly she starts to shiver where she stands.  


“Sayo-chan. I had a feeling this would happen.” It’s difficult to see Chisato’s eyes or face in the night beyond an outline of shadow, but her emotion comes through. Seeing her in the dark like this, standing right beside each other, she remembers that she’s quite a bit taller than Chisato. It’s so easy to forget, considering how big Chisato manages to make herself with her personality, her posture, her mannerisms.

Sayo takes a second to catch her breath before placing her hand on Chisato’s wrist. Her fingers wrap around it delicately, her grip so light as to allow Chisato to break away any second if she so wishes. Chisato doesn’t stop her though. She didn’t think she would, but that acceptance puts her ever-so-slightly at ease.

Sayo looks directly into her -- through her, as best as she can, though she’s nowhere near as good at this as Chisato. “You asked me before. If I’ve ever acted selfishly for my own desire. Even if it hurts others. I’m not sure if I have before, but…” Sayo leans forward, quieting her voice to a whisper so that no matter what, only Chisato can hear. “I’m going to now. Please.”

Sayo can see Chisato’s eyes shut, there’s a hum in her voice before she speaks. Within that hum, so much is said and so much is left unsaid. Sayo wishes she could read every word, but it’s beyond even her. “You truly are awful.”

“As awful as you.” Sayo smiles.

“No, Sayo-chan. I’m more than just awful. If you have to know me for too long, you’ll understand too. I’m a monster.”

“Then…” Sayo lets go of her wrist, only to reach her hand out toward Chisato with dramatic flair. “Let me become a monster with you.”

Chisato is left stunned for a moment. She’s speechless, seemingly for the first time all night. Then she sighs, her shoulders and posture dropping to a relaxed state. It’s a far contrast from the way she usually carries herself, with poise and professionalism even in the most mundane settings. This is the most vulnerable Sayo has ever seen her, and she knows Chisato hates it. But for Sayo, it’s nice to be on the other end for once. Chisato’s lips perk up, not in a smile but something else.

“I hate you. And all the same, I love you.”

Chisato takes Sayo's hand. Tenderly, she interlocks their fingers together and pulls herself near. All the tension in Sayo’s body loosens at once and she sighs with the deepest relief. She could crumple up and fall to her knees right then and there but Hina is certainly watching and she doesn’t want to make a complete fool of herself yet. On the unlit sidewalk in front of her home, Sayo takes another deep breath in. It’s enough to last a lifetime. Sayo is one lucky woman, to be able to understand Chisato’s words beyond the sounds and syllables. She’s so lucky. 

So lucky she could die.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! thank you to silversilky for beta reading! as always check out her Content.  
> i'm at twitter as @orbladys (creative/fandom account) and @demonladys (main account).


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